Gauging Feedback: The Art of the Give and Take

This article about gauging feedback has been edited and adapted by Brandi Neal from the transcript of Radical Candor Podcast S3, Ep. 4 How to Gauge Feedback You’re Giving & Getting with Jason Rosoff and Amy Sandler.

Do you ever wonder how the feedback you give others is landing? How about your reaction to the feedback you’re receiving? This giving-and-getting feedback stuff can be tricky, which is why a key part of Radical Candor is knowing how to gauge feedback.

In today’s fast-paced world, the ability to give and receive feedback effectively is crucial for personal growth and team success. But how can we ensure that our feedback lands as intended and that we’re open to receiving feedback from others?

Let’s explore the nuanced art of gauging feedback, drawing insights from the Radical Candor framework and mindfulness practices.

Table of Contents

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The Listener’s Ear: The True Measure of Feedback

One of the fundamental principles of Radical Candor, is that feedback is measured not at the speaker’s mouth, but at the listener’s ear. In other words, it’s not about what you say, but how the other person hears and interprets it. This shift in perspective is crucial for effective communication.

Consider a scenario where you’re giving feedback to a new team member about their note-taking during meetings. Your intention might be to help them understand team norms, but if your words come across as judgmental or harsh, the message could be lost.

The key is to focus on how your words will be received, not just on what you want to say.

Giving Feedback: Reading the Room

When giving feedback, whether it’s praise or criticism, it’s essential to pay close attention to how the other person is responding.

Are they becoming defensive? Do they seem upset? Or are they genuinely receptive? Your ability to gauge these reactions and adjust your approach accordingly is key to ensuring your message is received as intended.

Handling Strong Emotions

If you encounter a strong emotional reaction, take it as a cue to demonstrate that you care. Move up on the “care personally” axis of the Radical Candor framework. Show empathy and understanding before proceeding with your feedback.

For example, if you notice the person becoming visibly upset or withdrawing from the conversation, you might say something like, “I feel like I’ve been talking a lot, and I haven’t heard from you yet. Can you tell me how you’re reacting to this?”

This approach shows that you value their perspective and gives them space to express their feelings.

When Feedback Isn’t Landing

On the flip side, if the person seems to be brushing off your feedback or not taking it seriously, it might be time to challenge more directly. Remember, being clear isn’t being mean—it’s being helpful. You might need to be more explicit about the consequences of the behavior you’re addressing.

However, be cautious about jumping too quickly to consequences. Start with observations and facts before moving to potential impacts. This approach helps maintain a constructive dialogue rather than putting the other person on the defensive.

We BEG of you. Just eliminate the phrase don’t take it personally from your vocabulary. We spend more time at work than in just about any other part of our lives. When it doesn’t go well, if can feel like a gut punch. That doesn’t mean we are taking it personally. It just means we care about our work. And that is a good thing.

When someone resists feedback due to feelings of shame or blame, it’s important to address these emotions with compassion and clarity. Here are some steps you can take:

Acknowledge Emotions: Recognize and validate the person’s feelings. Don’t pretend it isn’t happening even if it does make you uncomfortable. When we communicate, we communicate on an emotional level and an intellectual level at the same time. If we ignore the emotional signals coming our way, we just aren’t going to communicate very well. You might say, “I can see that this feedback is difficult to hear, and I want you to know that my intention is not to blame you but to help us work better together.”
Clarify Intentions: Make it clear that your feedback is aimed at helping them improve or succeed, not to criticize them personally. For example, “My goal here is to help you achieve your potential and support your growth.”
Shift Focus from Blame to Improvement: Encourage a forward-looking perspective by focusing on solutions and improvements rather than dwelling on past mistakes. Discuss what can be done moving forward to address the issue.
Invite Their Perspective: Ask for their thoughts on the feedback and any suggestions they might have for moving forward. This can help them feel more involved in the process and less like they are being judged.
Reassure Support: Let them know that you are there to support them and that you value their contributions. Reaffirm your commitment to working together to overcome challenges. You can ask the person what would be most helpful in the moment. Do they want to get a cup of tea? Do they want you to remain present for the emotion? Would they rather talk in an hour?

By handling the situation with care and understanding, you can help alleviate feelings of shame or blame and foster a more open and constructive dialogue. Remember, the goal is to create an environment where feedback is seen as an opportunity for growth, not as a source of criticism.

Giving Feedback to Your Boss (& How to Gauge It)

How can you practice safe Radical Candor with your boss? Do you have to get permission to start trying it? Not surprisingly, since I believe that unilateral authority doesn’t work, I’d say no. Take the initiative on your own.

Start by asking for feedback before you give it. You want to make sure you understand the you’re boss’s perspective before you start dishing out praise or criticism. (This is the first step no matter who the person is—your boss, your employee, your peer, or anyone else in your life.)

If you get some feedback, don’t offer a critique of the criticism; focus on rewarding the candor.

Next, remember to focus on the good stuff. Tell your boss what you appreciate about them. This is not “kissing up.” It’s praise, which is an even more important part of Radical Candor than criticism.

Now you’re ready to offer some criticism—and here is a slight modification if you’re talking to your boss instead of your employee—ask permission to give guidance. Say something like, “Would it be helpful if I told you what I thought of X?”

If your boss says no, let it drop and polish up your résumé!

If your boss says yes, start with something pretty small and benign and gauge how they react. Usually this is going to go well. But sometimes, your boss may seem sad or mad, or may just brush you off.

Depending on how they react, you want to choose the right “vector” on the Radical Candor 2×2. If your boss seems sad or mad, take a beat to move up on the “Care Personally” dimension of Radical Candor.

If your boss brushes you off, you may have to try again–to move further than is comfortable on the “Challenge Directly” dimension of Radical Candor.

This may feel risky, but it’s a risk worth taking. The ability to be Radically Candid with your boss is crucial to your success.

Receiving Feedback: Managing Your Reactions

Receiving feedback can be just as challenging as giving it. When we’re on the receiving end, it’s crucial to be aware of our own reactions. Are you feeling defensive? Angry? Hurt? Recognizing these emotions is the first step in managing them effectively.

The Power of Self-Awareness

One helpful technique is the “noticing and naming” approach. If you feel your jaw tightening or negative self-talk creeping in, acknowledge it. This awareness can create space between your immediate reaction and your response, allowing you to listen more openly to the feedback being given.

For instance, you might notice thoughts like, “I’m worthless” or “I can’t do anything right” popping into your head. Instead of getting caught up in these thoughts, try to observe them objectively. This mental step back can help you engage more productively with the feedback.

Embracing a Growth Mindset

Adopting a growth mindset is crucial when receiving feedback. Remember that feedback, even when it feels uncomfortable, is an opportunity for growth and improvement. Try to anchor yourself to why this matters to you in the long term, even if it feels challenging in the short term.

Creating Space for Growth

Both giving and receiving feedback require a willingness to be present in potentially uncomfortable moments. It might seem counterintuitive, but leaning into this discomfort can lead to significant personal growth and stronger professional relationships.

Mindfulness in Feedback Conversations

Consider starting meetings with a brief mindfulness exercise or taking a few deep breaths before a feedback session. These practices can help create the mental space needed for productive conversations. Even a minute or two of focused presence can make a significant difference in the quality of the interaction.

Some teams have found that starting meetings with a moment of mindful breathing or a quick check-in can lead to more efficient and effective discussions. It allows everyone to arrive mentally and be fully present for the conversation.

The Unexpected Benefits of Openness

When we approach feedback conversations with openness and curiosity, we often find ourselves pleasantly surprised. What might initially feel like criticism could reveal valuable insights for improvement. A challenging conversation could lead to a deeper, more authentic relationship with a colleague.

Learning from Imperfect Feedback

It’s important to remember that not all feedback will be delivered skillfully. However, even in these situations, there may be valuable nuggets of information. By maintaining curiosity and openness, you can often find useful insights even in poorly delivered feedback.

Building Stronger Relationships

Feedback conversations, when handled well, can significantly strengthen professional relationships. They demonstrate a commitment to mutual growth and improvement. By showing that you’re willing to have these sometimes difficult conversations, you build trust and respect with your colleagues.

Special Considerations for Leaders

If you’re in a leadership position or your identity is overrepresented in your organization, it’s especially important to create space for feedback.

Giving feedback that goes against power hierarchies is often challenging and risky for the giver. As a leader, your reaction to this feedback can either encourage or stifle future open communication.

When receiving feedback as a leader, make a conscious effort to listen actively and respond with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

This approach not only helps you learn and grow but also models the behavior you want to see in your team.

Practical Tips for Gauging Feedback

Remember the listener’s ear: Focus on how your message will be received, not just on what you want to say.
Pay attention and adjust: When giving feedback, closely observe the other person’s reactions and be willing to adjust your approach.
Move up on care personally: If you encounter strong emotions, demonstrate empathy and understanding.
Challenge directly when necessary: If your message isn’t landing, be more clear and direct, but always with care.
Practice self-awareness: When receiving feedback, notice your own reactions without judgment.
Create space: Use techniques like deep breathing or brief mindfulness exercises to create mental space for productive conversations.
Embrace curiosity: Approach feedback conversations with openness and a genuine desire to learn and improve.
Model the behavior: Especially as a leader, demonstrate the openness to feedback that you want to see in your team.

Mastering the art of gauging feedback is a journey, not a destination. It requires continuous practice, self-awareness, and a genuine commitment to growth—both your own and others’.

By focusing on how our words land, staying attuned to others’ reactions, managing our own responses, and creating space for open dialogue, we can transform feedback from a dreaded necessity into a powerful tool for personal and professional development.

Remember, the goal isn’t perfection, but progress. Each feedback conversation, whether you’re giving or receiving, is an opportunity to refine your skills and build stronger, more productive relationships in the workplace.

By embracing the principles of Radical Candor and incorporating mindfulness practices, you can create a culture of open, honest, and productive feedback that drives individual and organizational success.

If you understand the importance of receiving feedback in the workplace, then you need The Feedback Loop (think Groundhog Day meets The Office), a 5-episode workplace comedy series starring David Alan Grier that brings to life Radical Candor’s simple framework for navigating candid conversations.

You’ll get an hour of hilarious content about a team whose feedback fails are costing them business; improv-inspired exercises to teach everyone the skills they need to work better together; and after-episode action plans you can put into practice immediately to up your helpful feedback EQ.

We’re offering Radical Candor readers 10% off the self-paced e-course. Follow this link and enter the promo code FEEDBACK at checkout.

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