3 min read

Kiss Me, Kick Me, Kiss Me (The Feedback Sandwich) 5 | 15

Brandi Neal Jul 27, 2023 12:01:28 AM

Kiss Me, Kick Me, Kiss Me (The Feedback Sandwich) 5 | 15

Table of Contents

On this episode of the Radical Candor podcast, Kim, Amy and Jason discuss sandwiches. These are not the tasty sandwiches beloved by Joey Tribbiani on Friends. While these sandwiches look delicious on the outside, inside they’re stuffed with something you can’t quite identify. But, the sandwich maker hopes the two pieces of artisan bread that hold the mystery meat together will make you accept what’s inside without too many questions. This false promise of emotional novocaine is better known as the feedback sandwich. Here's why you should avoid the feedback sandwich, which Jason calls "the beautiful lie." 

Listen to the episode:

Radical Candor Podcast Episode At a Glance

 

 

@storiesthatshift I love sandwiches, but not the sandwich method for feedback ❌ #feedback #worktok #storiesthatshift #performancereview #fyp #fypシ ♬ original sound - Stories That SHIFT

 
Not familiar with the feedback sandwich? Let us explain. While she didn’t invent the practice, the feedback sandwich was popularized in the 1980s by Mary Kay Cosmetics Founder Mary Kay Ash. In her 1989 book, Mary Kay on People Management, Ash writes:

"Sandwich every bit of criticism between two heavy layers of praise. … A manager should be able to tell someone when something is wrong without bruising an ego in the process. Never giving criticism without praise is a strict rule for me. No matter what you are criticizing, you must find something good to say—both before and after. This is called the sandwich technique."

Touted as a way for managers who are nervous about giving feedback to soften the blow, or a way to give criticism to sensitive employees. While it was popular in the 1980s and 90s, it’s fallen out of favor in the past 20 years because it’s largely ineffective and people are starting to realize that being “nice” isn’t always kind.

The feedback sandwich technique has a high chance of going sideways if the meat in the middle is crucial for the other person to ingest. Folks who receive the feedback sandwich often discard the meat (the criticism) and instead focus on the two delicious pieces of artisan bread (the praise).

This means that while you did actually deliver the criticism, there's little chance the other person retained it.

 

Radical Candor Podcast Checklist to Avoid the Feedback Sandwich

Avoid the feedback sandwich

  1. Instead of serving up a feedback sandwich, wrap your feedback in CORN — Context, Observation, Result, Next Steps. For example, some CORN Criticism I received from my boss: “After the meeting when I told you that you said ‘um’ a lot and recommended a speech coach,” (context), “you made a brush-off gesture” (observation). “This makes me feel like you weren’t hearing me and won’t go to the speech coach I’m recommending, which would be a shame because if you stop saying um so much you’ll be more effective” (result). “Go to the damn speech coach! (nExt stEps)”
  2. Masking emotion impedes our ability to build real relationships and collaborate effectively with each other. Make sure your feedback is kind and clear, and be present for whatever emotions come up versus trying to gloss over them — in other words, avoid the feedback sandwich.
  3. The problem with the feedback sandwich is that it’s hard for the person getting the sandwich to parse all of the information and you don’t know how each part of the sandwich lands for that person. The more you layer into the sandwich conversation, the more likely the action the person should take is unclear.
  4. Another problem with the feedback sandwich is that it's not messy, and these conversations often feel messy and that's OK.

Radical Candor Podcast Resources to Avoid the Feedback Sandwich

 

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Episodes are written and produced by Brandi Neal with script editing by Amy Sandler. The show features Radical Candor co-founders Kim Scott and Jason Rosoff and is hosted by Amy Sandler. Nick Carissimi is our audio engineer.

The Radical Candor Podcast theme music was composed by Cliff Goldmacher. Order his book: The Reason For The Rhymes: Mastering the Seven Essential Skills of Innovation by Learning to Write Songs.

 
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Key Questions Covered

What is the feedback sandwich and why is it called that?

The feedback sandwich is a technique where a manager sandwiches criticism between two layers of praise — positive comment, criticism, positive comment. It was popularized by Mary Kay Ash in her 1989 book Mary Kay on People Management, where she described it as the "sandwich technique." The idea was to soften the blow of criticism, but it's largely fallen out of favor because it's ineffective: recipients tend to focus on the praise and tune out the critical feedback in the middle.

Why should I avoid the feedback sandwich?

The feedback sandwich has two major problems. First, people who receive it often discard the criticism — the most important part — and only retain the praise on either side. This means your key message rarely lands. Second, the layering of positive and negative signals makes it unclear what action the person should actually take. Trying to mask the discomfort of difficult conversations also prevents you from building real, honest relationships. Being "nice" in this way is not the same as being kind.

What is the CORN framework and how does it replace the feedback sandwich?

CORN stands for Context, Observation, Result, Next Steps. Instead of padding criticism with praise, CORN structures feedback so it's clear and actionable. For example: name the specific situation (context), describe what you observed (observation), explain the impact (result), and state what should change (next steps). This approach keeps the feedback direct and leaves no ambiguity about what the person needs to do differently, making it far more effective than the feedback sandwich.

Who invented the feedback sandwich?

Mary Kay Ash, founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics, is widely credited with popularizing the feedback sandwich technique in her 1989 book Mary Kay on People Management. She described it as a strict personal rule: never give criticism without surrounding it with praise. While she didn't invent the concept entirely, her advocacy made it a mainstream management practice throughout the 1980s and 90s — though it has since fallen out of favor as research and experience have shown it to be largely ineffective.

How do I give critical feedback without being harsh or hurtful?

The key is to be both kind and clear — not one at the expense of the other. Rather than masking difficult feedback with praise (the sandwich approach), use a structured framework like CORN to deliver criticism directly and with context. Be present for whatever emotions come up in the conversation rather than trying to gloss over them. Radical Candor emphasizes that genuine care for the other person and honest, specific feedback are not opposites — they work together to make feedback both compassionate and effective.

Why does the feedback sandwich make conversations less effective?

The feedback sandwich obscures the most important part of your message. When you layer praise, criticism, and praise together, the person receiving it struggles to parse all the information and may not know which part to act on. The format also creates a false sense of comfort — it tries to eliminate the natural messiness of difficult conversations, which is actually a healthy and normal part of honest communication. Glossing over discomfort impedes real connection and reduces the chance that the critical feedback leads to meaningful change.

Keep going.

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