How to Care Personally About Someone You Don’t Like

Kim Scott, co-founder of Radical Candor and author of the bestselling book of the same name, gets it. “There will be people who work for you who bug the living shit out of you,” she said during a recent conversation with her Radical Candor co-founder Jason Rosoff and Principal Coach Amy Sandler. And yet, Scott insists, “You can still treat them with respect.”

Respect, in Scott’s framework, is foundational. It’s about “unconditional regard for the other person’s humanity,” she explained, an acknowledgment that we’re all flawed but deserving of common human decency decency.

“Even if someone really bugs you, you can still have regard for their humanity.”

But how? And why does it matter whether or not you care about someone you don't like at work? The answer lies in navigating the tricky, often messy gap between annoyance and understanding.

It’s Not About Liking Everyone

  A leader's job is to guide a team to achieve results; the goal isn’t to like every employee. Instead, it’s to support their growth and success on the team. Scott emphasized this point, explaining that leadership isn’t about fostering deep personal connections with every individual.

“Caring personally isn’t about being BFFs with everyone you work with,” she said. “It’s about showing a genuine interest in their well-being and success.”

Rosoff echoed this, noting how important it is for leaders to rise above personal preferences.

“You don’t have to love everyone,” he said, “but if you’re a leader, your role is to create an environment where everyone can thrive, even if personal chemistry isn’t there.”

The Pitfalls of Making People Villains In Your Story

  Rosoff shared a story that’s all too relatable. While working at Khan Academy, he found himself clashing with a peer who approached things in a way that drove him up the wall. Frustration festered into avoidance, and before long, Rosoff realized he’d mentally cast this person as “the villain” in his workplace narrative.

“I got to the point where I was trying to work around this person entirely,” Rosoff admitted. “I saw them as an antagonist. It was giving me actual physical stress — I had reflux from it.”

The turnaround came only after Rosoff decided he couldn’t keep going that way. In a vulnerable moment, he opened up to his colleague.

“I said, ‘I’ve been extraordinarily frustrated in our relationship, and I don’t feel like I’ve done a good job of addressing it. I want us to find a way to work well together.’”

The result? The relationship didn’t just improve; it flourished. They found balance and mutual respect, recognizing that their differences — once a source of friction — could actually complement each other.

“We started to see a little yin and yang,” Rosoff reflected.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

  Scott and Sandler both pointed out that much of our difficulty with others stems from the stories we tell ourselves. Sandler suggests considering that you and the person you're struggling with might simply be optimizing for different things.

Perhaps their communication style clashes with yours, or their priorities differ. Recognizing these differences can help you approach the relationship with more empathy and understanding

“It’s human to make up little short stories about people,” Scott said. “As soon as I realize I’m making up a short story, I stop. I don’t want to write a novel about this person — I want to get to know the real person.”

This tendency to fill in the blanks, often inaccurately, can spiral into resentment. Scott shared an anecdote about an employee who didn’t wear deodorant, which led her to create a whole narrative about the person being inconsiderate. Finally, she chose to address the issue directly.

“It was uncomfortable, but after we talked, they did start using deodorant,” Scott recounted. “And it made everything easier for both of us.”

Curiosity as a Bridge to Care

  Curiosity, according to Sandler, is the secret ingredient to learn how to care about someone you don't like. It’s what allows us to move past assumptions and biases, and start seeing people as more than just the sum of their quirks or habits.

“We tend to ascribe our own psychological, mental, and emotional framework to other people,” she noted.

Scott recalled how curiosity helped her connect with a boss who was baffled by her disorganization. “I leave power cords everywhere; I forget to charge my phone,” she admitted.

On a shared work trip, her boss lost her own charger and, in her frustration, turned to Scott and said, “This must be how you feel all the time.”

“It could’ve come off as rude,” Scott reflected. “But it was actually a human moment. She was curious about what it’s like to be me, and it brought us closer.”

4 Ways to Care Personally

• Regularly asking them questions to understand what’s on their mind and what’s important to them, like “What’s on your mind?” or “How can I help remove any blockers for you?” This shows you’re invested in their needs and challenges.
• Make time for real, meaningful conversations, even when you’re busy. Carving out that one-on-one time to listen to their stories, understand their motivations, and encourage them to pursue their dreams conveys that you see them as whole people, not just employees.
• Providing frequent guidance and feedback to help them develop and grow. Coaching them, giving them credit when they shine, and removing obstacles for them demonstrates that you’re invested in their ongoing success.
• Take the time to get to know them as individuals — their hobbies, families, goals, and challenges. Showing you care about the whole person, not just their work, builds trust and a stronger connection.

How to Care Personally: 3 Takeaways

1. Respect Their Humanity: Caring personally starts with respect, which Kim Scott defines as “unconditional regard for another person’s humanity.” Even if someone’s behavior irritates you, or you don’t connect with them, it’s essential to see them as a whole person with their own experiences, struggles, and perspectives. This baseline respect allows you to separate personal dislike from professional regard, ensuring the relationship remains productive and human.

2. Practice Curiosity, Not Assumption: One of the biggest barriers to caring personally is the stories we make up about others. Instead of filling in the blanks with assumptions, choose curiosity. Ask thoughtful questions to understand the person’s perspective and motivations. As Amy Sandler points out, “We tend to ascribe our own emotional and psychological frameworks to others.” Replacing judgment with genuine curiosity can dissolve tension and foster connection.

3. Engage in Honest Conversations: Avoidance or silent resentment can lead to a breakdown in relationships. Instead, embrace open communication. As Jason Rosoff demonstrates, candidly addressing frustrations while expressing a desire to improve the relationship can be transformative. Saying something like, “I’ve been frustrated, and I want to work better together,” shows both vulnerability and a commitment to collaboration. This approach not only resolves conflicts but can also pave the way for mutual respect and even partnership.

The Radical Shift

  Radical Candor’s framework is about building authentic relationships, even in the face of dislike. As Scott noted, “Relationships don’t become toxic because of disagreement; they become toxic because of neglect.”

Ultimately, the essence of caring personally — even for someone you don’t like — is about building bridges instead of walls. It’s about seeing people as whole, complicated humans, not caricatures. It’s about starting the hard conversations that dissolve the tension and lead to mutual understanding.

For leaders, it’s also about keeping the bigger picture in mind. Scott summed it up best: “You don’t have to love or even like everyone on your team. But you do have to care enough to help them grow and succeed. That’s what leadership is all about.”

“There’s no way out but through,” Rosoff added. “And someone’s got to start. It might as well be you.”