How to Get Feedback 3 | Mini Ep. 5

The four steps are: (1) Have a go-to question — prepare an open-ended question that sounds natural to you and is tailored to the person you're asking; (2) Embrace the discomfort — don't let their awkwardness derail the conversation; stay with it until you get a genuine response; (3) Listen to understand, not to respond — clarify what you're hearing without debating it; and (4) Reward the candor — show you genuinely welcomed the feedback so people feel safe giving it again in the future.

A good go-to feedback question has three elements: it can't be answered with a simple yes/no or a deflective 'everything is fine'; it must sound authentically like you — not scripted or robotic; and it should be adapted to the specific person you're speaking with. Crafting a question that meets all three criteria makes it more likely you'll get a genuine, useful response instead of a polite brush-off.

Expect resistance — most people won't see the question coming and will try to deflect. The key is to resist the urge to let them off the hook. One practical technique is to count silently to six before saying anything, forcing a moment of uncomfortable silence that makes it harder to say nothing than to respond honestly. If that doesn't work, ask the question again. If they still can't answer on the spot, schedule a follow-up conversation rather than dropping it entirely.

When someone finally opens up with candid feedback, debating or defending yourself in the moment signals that the feedback wasn't truly welcome — which discourages future honesty. Instead, focus on understanding what they're actually saying by paraphrasing: 'So what I hear you saying is…' This confirms you've listened carefully and creates psychological safety. There's always time to reflect and respond later; the priority in the moment is to make the person feel heard.

Rewarding candor means visibly demonstrating that you welcomed the feedback after the conversation. This could mean acting on the criticism, following up to share what you did with the input, or simply thanking the person genuinely. If people see that speaking up leads to positive outcomes — rather than awkwardness or consequences — they'll be far more willing to be candid with you again. Consistent follow-through is what builds a feedback culture over time.

In the Radical Candor framework, asking for criticism before giving it is the first step in the order of operations — especially for leaders. When you're the boss, there's a power dynamic that makes people hesitant to speak up. By proactively soliciting feedback, you signal that honesty is safe and valued, model the vulnerability you're asking of others, and build the trust needed before your own candid feedback can be received well by your team.