What It Means to Care Personally About Your Team

Russ Laraway wrote this post about Care Personally examples and advice. The chief people officer at Goodwater Capital who also developed Career Conversations, his book When They Win, You Win, provides a simple, coherent, and complete leadership standard that teaches managers how to lead in a way that measurably and predictably delivers more engaged employees and better business results and show organizational planners how to make their managers great!

Most of us have experienced a bad boss, and unfortunately, those experiences can create lasting effects. Here’s a story and question we got from a listener after she listened to  the Radical Candor podcast -- it describes a common challenge that bosses have with balancing authority and Caring Personally and with building relationships with their direct reports.

@katewaterfallhill There’s friendly and there’s too much information. Free leadership guide link in bio. #leadershipskills #leadershipcoaching #leadershipcoach #executivecoach #executivecoaching #careercoaching #professionaldevelopment #personaldevelopment #teammanagement #oversharing ♬ original sound - Leadership Coach - Kate

I Just listened to the first episode and wanted to share several of my previous "horrible boss" experiences with you.

I've been working about 13 years now. At my first real job out of college I worked at a newspaper in PA in the advertising department. The department head was an older man who I can now accurately describe as a misogynist. I was young and after one particularly hard experience (I can’t recall the details), I cried in his office. A year later, I was promoted from assistant to junior ad sales rep and while I was given the good news he also added something along the lines of “as long as there is no more crying.” Toward the end of my time there, a Black woman was hired in a position over him and he quit 2 months later. That’s when I really understood how the workplace can be for women.

I moved to NYC 10 years ago and started working in the ad agency world. At one of my earlier jobs I had a particularly challenging boss who has shaped me in ways I still need help recovering from.

This boss was not much older than me, maybe 4 years. I was in my late twenties and she must have been early thirties. Her mood swings were incredible – one day she said hi in the morning and wanted to chat, other days she would ignore me for half of the day and then ask me to stay late working on projects with her that could have been done much earlier. She spoke harshly at times, but also praised me. Complete confusion.

The worst experiences were when she wanted to talk about her personal life. On multiple occasions she would ask if I was busy, then pull me into conference room to tell me about her relationship problems with her boyfriend. There was cheating, there was verbal abuse, they got engaged and then she took the ring off and “didn’t want to talk about it”. In addition to the in person talking, she would IM me and talk about it. I never had any idea what to say or what she was looking for me to do. All I wanted to do was work so I could leave on time!

This has had a lasting effect on me where I have a very hard time building relationships with the people I manage at work. I even had one employee tell me that she had a problem with it a few years back. I think I’m afraid of over-sharing and being thought of the way I thought of my old boss. How can I build a healthy relationship with my employees where we get to know each other and they respect my authority?

Thanks,
Struggling to connect

Dear Struggling,

This is incredible. THANK YOU so much for sharing. Wow — I feel really bad for 22-year-old Struggling and 25-year-old Struggling, but feel very happy for you, 35-year-old Struggling, because you will be a great boss having been shaped by seemingly incompetent bosses and because you’re self-aware enough to ask how to build these relationships the right way.

I have a couple thoughts, and interestingly some of my answers lie in your experiences.

Showing You Care Personally: Examples

For my money, this is at the core of Care Personally, one of the two dimensions of Radical Candor.

Caring Personally means demonstrating that you "give a damn" about the people you work with. Most people do care, but fall down simply because they fail to demonstrate it. What you're describing is different, though.

Caring Personally is about caring about others, about their needs and priorities. Below are some examples of how to Care Personally without crossing boundaries.

Care Personally Examples: Ask Questions

The first step to Caring Personally is deciding that your job is to enable the success of your team. Put their needs FIRST, above yours.

One thing you can do is to make a practice of asking a basket of questions to your team, maybe at the end of each week, or in your 1:1 meetings. For example:

• How happy are are you right now?
• How productive were you this week?
• What's in your way?
• How can I help remove any blockers?
• What else can I do to enable your success?
• What opportunities are we missing around here?

I think it's pretty clear that these are questions that demonstrate that you give a damn about the people on your team. Note that there's not a bunch of sappy, schmoozing type stuff that's required to do this. Of course, it’s very important to really want to hear the answers. Don't just "check the box" and ask...

When you ask these questions, you probably will need to stop by the Thick Skin Store and buckle up because you might hear some uncomfortable stuff. Remind yourself constantly, "Don't get mad, get curious."

Care Personally Examples: Listen and Serve

Caring Personally, for my money, is about listening to people more than anything else. Of course, listen to their hopes, their fears, their dreams, but also listen to their ideas for improving the team, the work, the environment. All the answers are there on the team. You just have to ask.

A couple resources for you:

• The essay called "The Servant As Leader"
• A blog post I recently wrote about making Leadership Resolutions for the new year

I will argue that by thinking about Caring Personally this way, you will ENHANCE your authority, not jeopardize it. It's been my experience and not to put words in her mouth, but it's been Kim's, too. Your authority is absolutely not derived from your title or position. I promise you that.

On paper, maybe, but in real life, no one on your team gives a hoot about your title. This was as true in the Marines as it was for Google. Authority was earned, not granted, and I've found in my career that it's been earned far more by giving a damn about people than by knowing a lot of stuff or having a lot of ideas.

How to Care Personally About Someone You Don't Like

Someone else wrote in asking how to Care Personally about folks they just don't jive with.

One of the things that concerns me the most as a manager and as someone who trains managers to give feedback to their employees is what happens when we struggle to care personally for our employees. It’s something that’s hard to fake, and I fear it often hinders our ability to provide radical candor. There are employees we simply don’t like! Or we don’t connect with their way, or we simply don’t click, and it makes it very difficult.

If you can relate, you've got a tricky situation on your hands—showing that you care personally even when it doesn't just happen naturally. We all meet those colleagues or team members we don't immediately connect with, and that can make practicing Radical Candor a bit of a challenge. The trick here is to shift away from trying to be best friends and instead focus on genuinely caring about their success and well-being. Here are some Care Personally examples that can help.

Shift Your Focus: Caring personally isn’t about being best buddies; it’s about showing genuine interest in their well-being and success. Remember that your role is to support your team’s success, even when personal connections aren’t strong.

Ask the Right Questions: Engage with your employees by asking questions that matter. Try asking, "How are you really doing?" or "Is there anything I can help clear from your path?" These questions show that you value them and want to help.

Be a Good Listener: Listening is a powerful way to show you care. Make sure you’re really hearing what your employees say about their work and challenges. By doing this, you demonstrate that their perspective matters to you.

Act on Insights: After listening, take action. Help address challenges they’re facing and offer support for their growth. This shows you’re not just listening but are genuinely invested in their success.

Challenge Your Biases: Sometimes, our lack of connection might come from unconscious biases. Ask yourself why you might struggle to connect with someone and push yourself to see their strengths and contributions.

Caring personally is about genuinely being interested in your team’s success and well-being. It’s not about deep personal bonds, but about a commitment to helping them grow. By focusing on these steps, you can develop a more compassionate and effective management style.

*This post was updated Nov. 7, 2024.