One of the things that I had to confront when I wrote the follow-up to…
If you think you’ve given criticism that was Ruinously Empathetic, check out these tips for moving towards Radical Candor!
Don’t try to spare people’s feelings by leaving out the details — that is not nice, it’s just unclear. If others have rated your criticism as Ruinously Empathetic, you’re not Challenging Directly enough. Try clearly explaining what you think directly to them.
Just say it!
When you don’t say it, you rob the person of a chance to fix what’s wrong, or to push back and convince you that actually YOU are wrong. Not saying it is unclear and unhelpful.
Criticism is not arrogant
When you challenge somebody, you expect them to challenge you back. When you say, I think that’s wrong, you give them a chance to prove to you that it’s actually right. If somebody disagrees with your criticism, it’s a good thing, not a bad thing.
Criticism has a short half life
Just say it right away. The longer you wait, the less clear you are because you remember fewer details about what actually happened.
Criticize IN PERSON
Don’t hide behind email or chat to avoid negative emotions. If somebody gets upset and starts to cry, it’s hard but it’s not the end of the world. Neither of you is water-soluble. If the person yells, it won’t kill you; if the person gets defensive, the fact you’ve already proven that you care will help you get through.
Criticize in private, debate in public
You would never criticize a person in public, and that’s a good thing. But you probably could do a little more disagreeing and debating in public.
Remember that telling people when something is wrong is not a personal attack
In fact, not telling somebody when they have spinach in their teeth is actually like saying: “You are not even capable of removing spinach from your teeth, so I won’t bother telling you it’s there.” When you are clear about something that is wrong, it is a gift, an act of kindness.